12 Mei 2013

Hazel Grace, You Remind Of Me of My Father.

1:34 am.

I just finished reading The Fault in Our Stars, a novel by John Green. I feel like this is not the perfect time to write, my eyes are swollen and I kinda need to go to bed. But I really want to write a fresh thoughts of mine right after I finished this book. Every time I write onmy blog, I always try to be honest. I don't really bother how people would see all these because, no one really reads my blog after all so I figured, I'd do this mostly for myself.

I cried a lot through out reading this book, as some of you probably did too. I won't say that this book means a lot more for me than it is for you. What I would say is, this book feels pretty personal for me. I had a Dad, and he died because of lung cancer when I was around 6 years old. He died just like Hazel Grace, the main character of this book. The thing about this book was, my mind keeps going and going towards the past. When he got sick, I was too young to have any awareness of the concept of dying. Even until this very moment, I supposed. But I did get a grasp of how painful it was through reading this book. I cant help but to imagine the pain that my dad got through, and I wondered of all of his thoughts each time I read Hazel Grace's thoughts. Cancer really is a terrible thing. It eats up everything, it took so much time, it gives vague hopes and uncertainty. I didn't fully understand the struggle my mother had to go through and it sucks that I wasn't actually able to do anything or help anyone the way every other characters did to Hazel Grace. 

And I realized now I didn't really know him, it's as if as he never existed. I wish I did though, I really do. I hated it, I hated that it had to be him.

This book got a lot to say though, so much that I couldn't plant it all inside my brain so I can live with it. It was kind of horrible, it was like tasting a truth one more time. When you read this book, Hazel had a machine called BiPAP and Augustus had G-tube. Two of that helps them live. I remembered that my dad had those two to keep him live. I encouraged myself to see what they look like so I googled them, and I literally panicked. I hated what they looked like and those images just gave me a clearer vision of the illness that people with cancer go through, what my dad go through. I wished he didn't have to suffer like that, I wished I was big enough that time to tell him that he's awesome.

I wished I could tell him like hey dad thanks for the biking times, and the fairy tale story books you got me when you got home from work that time. You also got me and mike that awesome kiddy pool and we loved it so much. All the kids in the nighbourhood were super envious of us, har har! Those are the best memories of my childhood, and I loved you so much. Thanks for letting me go home when I feel like I couldn't go to school because I see stars above my head and according to Tom and Jerry that means I'm unwell. Mom didn't buy it but you did! And also you were always nice to everyone and to me, you are such an awesome drawer. Michael and I thought that you look unbelievably hot on your high school report card. I am proud of you because compared to my uncles or any men in our family, you are definitely the best one and I know that for a fact, not because you died but because you really were the best. By the way, these days I really wish you were around so I don't have to be so sad of the fact that boys suck

I wish I did.

I have a friend in high school, she was fine and then days a go I heard a news that she's suddenly diagnosed to have a stage 4 cancer. Just like that, out of nowhere. It's like the universe telling her; hey... you got some months to live, kiddo. So be good. I couldn't bear the idea of what happened to me, and hazel grace's family or any other families with a cancer diagnosed family member has to go through, also has to happen to her and her family. I feel bad and there's nothing I can do about it.

I know I don't have cancer but I do feel Hazel Grace, as cheesy as it might sounds. I understand how she sees everything as bullshit. I recognized my unsympathetic self and sometimes it feels wrong, yet I really don't know how to put myself anymore. Its like the best way to see the world is through sarcasm. I see a lot of people dealing with pain and struggle and misery in different stages, each of them deals with their stage and I understand each one feels as hard as another one. I feel sorry cause my dad had cancer, cause my mom got so tired and lonely and miserable. I do love them, even though frankly I don't really know them. I don't know how to. I am such an awkward person when it comes to lovey-dovey things.

But you know, at some points
I see that there are so much beauty in this world, even in the most miserable times.

I have to stop being such a sorry-assed at some point. The past is in the past, nothing I could do to change that. I have to just living a good life, not being another let down of my mother's life. Because I care about her. Afterall, I still think it's true that life is as grand as you make it.

I don't really know what to write anymore. I have an early class tomorrow, and I probably need to get some sleep.

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